My friend Anne sent this to me and I had to share it. It’s an excerpt from a short story by Patricia Hampl.

First body memory – rainwater sluicing down my tadpole self with fabulous force from a drainpipe at the side of my grandmother’s house in St. Paul, theatrical thunderclaps and lightning jags above me. “Stop that screeching this minute!” my mother called from the kitchen. “You sound like you’re being murdered out there.” But you can’t silence delight – I kept screaming and the gorgeous cold water kept gushing.

From Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller:

People will tell you so many things, passing on their hindsight and regrets. Love them when they are little. Cherish the early days. I would say it all again, but I’m not sure you can hear it until you reach the other side, open your eyes, and let the tears of recognition come. There is not one piece of life that you can grasp, contain, or keep, not even the life you created and hold right now in your arms.

Over and over again we endured those words from friends, nurses, others’ mothers. “Enjoy them” they would tell us. I actually felt insulted. How would I not enjoy my own children? Then, my friend had her little girl - early, like our boys. I caught myself wanting to say the same thing to her, “enjoy her”.

I held that sweet little angel in my arms, still on oxygen, still connected to a heart monitor. All those things somehow weren’t scary to me or even present at this moment. All I saw was this little bean, still weeks away from her due date yet already home with her mom and dad. She was so tiny, sweet, squishy, new. I instantly missed my boys being that small. It seemed like forever ago but I’m sure it was just the deliriousness of being a new mom with no sleep and twin boys. Still, I felt myself wishing I’d paid more attention to every little detail of that early time of their first year, wondering what I’d missed in the haze of new motherhood. The smallness, the newness, the baby smells are fleeting. Thankfully, so are the hormones and the sleeplessness.

If there is anything that is constant in this journey of motherhood it is “letting go”. That has become my mantra. As much as I want to hold on to every precious moment I am constantly learning to let go. Often, letting go allows me to see those fleeting moments much more clearly.

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Momma Zen is always on my nightstand. I’m revisiting chapters that refresh my senses as I move through new stages of being a mom. Karen Maezen Miller also has a new book in the works, Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life(available for pre-order). Listen to an excerpt read by the author over at Superhero Journal. And, check out a couple from Momma Zen here.

The boys’ first outing in the snow, complete with red toboggans!

photo by David

Me:

BBQ sat 6pm. BYOB and a lawn chair.

Response:

Who is this and where do you live? I’m hungry.

Last night’s baby measurements:

Baby A - 3lbs 8oz (7oz growth in the last week)

Baby B - 2lbs 4oz (5oz growth in the last week)

We are still in a holding pattern. Still marking progress one day at a time. Every extra day right now is a bonus for baby A. Hopefully we can make it to 31 weeks.

Thanks for all the calls and emails. We appreciate everyone’s support.

A quick update…

Baby B’s cord flow was better yesterday than on his doppler reading on Thursday. The doc is quite pleased, as are we. So, no babies tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday but if B keeps looking so good they may get to stay in until the following week which would make it 31 weeks! Fingers crossed…

I stopped by a local stationery store yesterday, Paper Moon, to pick up a birthday gift. In the back corner, among the blank invitations, I found the most lovely cards: Positively Green. The graphics and color combinations called me to pick one up. Each card is graced with a quote, proverb, or verse from a song. I read one after another:

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better.” - Mother Theresa

“You whose day it is get out your rainbow colors and make it beautiful.” - Traditional Nootka Song

“Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting.” - Anonymous

I wanted to take them all home. I picked the four in the photo, to start, and already gave one to a friend for her 30th birthday. They are positively lovely and have a green tip on the back of the card for your healthy pleasure.